I grew up in my Catholic family with strict parents of Irish, Greek, Italian and Indian heritage. My family, just like any other family has its dysfunctions, but this wasn’t to be discovered until we were all out in the working world.
I have had many relationships and I had set my sights on what my parents had – an enduring marriage, still together and life appearing to be tickety-boom. Then I had a relationship with a lady (when I was in my 30’s) who really stretched me and pushed me to the point I thought I had major issues. Sure there were a lot of things I had to learn about life, coming from a strict Catholic family, but this particular relationship taught me that with you cannot deal with rage by emotion, reason or think your way out of insanity. If someone is irrational, let them be. Find a way to walk away, hide or stay far away.
It wasn’t always easy to avoid when you are living with someone and you have no idea what is going to trigger them off. Years down the track I could see similar patterns and behavior happening with the next person. Reasoning with the unreasonable is simply impractical. Throwing words at a tsunami won’t get you far.
What this person was upset about was rejection, shame, trust, attention and poor communication and her best method of defending herself was to turn it around on me, or others and play the blame game.
Deep within the core of our being are emotional responses developed from generations of evolution and if left alone, these emotions stay dormant. Within a relational setting, how do you approach the emotional world? When your desires aren’t met it can quickly lead to frustration, blame and anger. The feeling of being in control, or, it’s counterpart, being out of control, feeds the insanity that tells us we need to constantly be in control, hence the frequent manipulation that happens exchanging energy with people. I knew that with the bloodline of Irish, Greek, Italian and Indian that there was a lot about that lineage that didn’t serve my highest good. I had to forgive over and over – to my ancestors, myself, my parents, grand parents and anything/anyone across all times, to free me from all the limitations and restrictions imposed by those cultures.
The low vibration of fear and anger holds us hostage and keeps us stuck in a holding pattern of suffering with no hope of release or resolution. The more we look to someone or something else to satisfy our ego, the less power we have and the more desperate we become. We can never truly be fulfilled by another person or thing, as the lack is within, inside, separate from externalities.
A dog can feel pain and disquiet, yet it does not hold onto its feelings perpetually – it does not reside in alienation. Animals experience life as vast happenings of which they are intrinsically a part.
When people around me are being toxic, I withdraw, go someplace to be away from it. The way out of all of this is forgiveness, it truly does work. It doesn’t have to be face to face with people, you can’t be for your ancestors, but using Ho’ponopono.